How I finally became Manoj

This is the most important and difficult piece I’ve ever written.
Content warning: suicide, depression, mention of eating disorder

In the past couple of years, I have conducted the BBC Philharmonic in concert and the Concertgebouw Orchestra in rehearsals, I have won and fulfilled one of the most coveted young conductor posts in the world (the Junior Fellowship at the Royal Northern College of Music in Manchester), I have co-organised and officiated at the funerals of my father, my grandmother and my cousin, I’ve had a second coming out as pansexual, genderqueer and polyamorous, I’ve become somewhat of an activist regarding the damaging stigma associated with HIV and PrEP, and even managed to successfully move house several times. Yet, writing and sharing this text has, perhaps, been more challenging than any of these things. Continue reading “How I finally became Manoj”

Sonst hat mein Jesus nichts getan

As it is ‘Good Friday’, I wanted to share some brief thoughts about a specific moment in Willem Mengelberg’s recording of the Bach St. Matthew Passion. I don’t love all of the recording, but there are some amazingly beautiful moments and this is definitely my favourite.
It’s the tiny arioso Er hat uns allen wohlgetan just before the famous aria Aus Liebe will mein Heiland sterben. The moment I mean in particular happens near the end of the arioso.

Continue reading “Sonst hat mein Jesus nichts getan”